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I Was Kissed

Another roadblock occurred this week. It’s all in the details of property and money. My obstinate personalityjesus-crucified is not letting me give up. So here I am again — no decision, no divorce. It will be well into 2016 before this all gets settled.

I feel as though I’m being cast aside and not being heard. I’m nearing 54 years of age and I have no career to bring me into retirement. It is difficult to re-enter the workforce after being a stay-at-home mom for 15 years. Sure, I can find hourly jobs all day long, and I have found them, but they offer no retirement benefits or health insurance.

This is my life right now. Living in a sort of limbo. Three years & 38 days. It is a place of confinement because I am married, but not really. It is a place God is allowing me to live and so it’s ok that I’m here. And I’ve found a new best friend in this place – Blessed Mother Teresa. She is the 3rd “Teresa” who has befriended me on this journey. Her predecessors were Teresa of Avila and Therese of Lisieux.

My interest in Mother Teresa began last May. Sr. Marie Hesed introduced me to Mother Teresa. Sr. Marie is one of the women in my spiritual mentorship program. She had worked side by side with Mother Teresa. She shared with me Mother’s true love for Jesus as she saw with her own two eyes. It’s one thing to know Mother Teresa’s story, but another to hear about it firsthand.

Last Thursday, as I was reading 33 Days to Morning Glory, I learned Pope Francis would canonize Mother Teresa. That day, which was Day 15 of 33 Days, the meditation was about the lover of the Heart of Jesus: Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta. It was a “God moment” as we say. The woman I was reading about could be canonized in 2016.

Blessed Mother Teresa knows my pain and my loneliness because she’s been there too. She wrote the following: “suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you.” So, you see, God is using this time to share His Son’s Passion with me. I was kissed.

Mother Teresa’s heart for Mary speaks to me as well. Her writings help me to visualize Mary’s face as she looks upon her crucified son. Mother Teresa’s writings place me at the foot of the cross. From beneath the cross, I look up to heaven and see Christ hanging there for me. I am no longer cast aside. I am loved AND I am kissed.

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Sharing the Moment

I am blessed. October 29th marked the 3rd anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. I celebrated at work with a PINK PARTY and shared my story. I’m including this story of HOPE to share God’s faithfulness with you. It is the story of the morning I was diagnosed.

It was a Monday morning as I sat alone in my van in a hospital parking lot. I was in a trance. I reached for my phone to call my mother and tell her the news of my cancer diagnosis. She would no doubt understand this feeling because she had cancer too.

pilgrimage-336615_1280My brain seemed foggy after hearing the word “cancer” at my annual mammogram. I guess when the radiologist walked in, I should’ve known. He wasn’t there to wish me a happy Monday morning. Mama had also heard those same words,“you’ve got cancer.” She will know exactly what to say to me.

I was able to refocus for just a minute and then the thought came to me. Mama is gone. We buried her three months ago. Oh, Lord, who can help me deal with this news? And why are you allowing me to have breast cancer now? I just lost my mom and my husband and I are separated. He had moved out of our home 14 days earlier.

I looked at the clock on my dashboard. Time hadn’t moved. I had an appointment at church in 30 minutes. Do I call and say, “I can’t make it today. I’ve got cancer.” Or I could say, “I can’t make my appointment. I’m separated.” That sounded weird. The cancer thing was a better excuse.

I thought quickly about calling my dad, but I couldn’t bear to give him this news. He was grieving. He had, after all, just buried his wife of 51 years a few months earlier. I knew calling him would be selfish on my part. God gave me clarity in the moment.

The longer I sat in my van, my brain became fuzzier. I didn’t know God let people have lives like this. I felt as though I was staring into black space. I was so alone in that van with no one to call. The pain I felt in my heart was indescribable. Tears poured down my face and I did not know what to do.

My mind bounced back to the church meeting.  I better go because I had only been a member for a month. I wanted to make a good first impression. For all I knew, I might need to use the church for my funeral. I better go and introduce myself.

I turned the key and started the ignition. I put my van in drive and made my way out of the parking lot. Now my mind was wondering why I had chosen this specific time to have a church meeting. The 15-minute drive would have to be on auto pilot. I was in a daze.

As I entered the church office, I could barely think about my reason for being there. “I’m here to meet with Kathleen,” I told the receptionist. There wasn’t time for small talk. I wondered if my mascara had smeared down my face.

Kathleen escorted me back to her office. I sat down on her couch and looked into her eyes. Silence. Then, I burst into tears. “I’ve just been diagnosed with cancer,” I wept. I barely knew Kathleen, but it didn’t matter. She was the first person I encountered after hearing of my fate. She was the person God had placed before me at the biggest crisis of my life. Grief, divorce and cancer all coming at me at once.

Kathleen’s response seemed unbelievable to me. “I’m a breast cancer survivor. I can help you.” I began sobbing. I collapsed into her arms as she hugged me. This hug was the hug from my mother. God had put the perfect person in front of me. What grace. He was faithful and He was going to take care of me. My journey had just begun.


My grace is sufficient for you,

for power is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

 

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Pink Threads

As I sit and write this morning, a friend of mine is living her last days. I would barely call it living, as she is unconscious as her body is shutting down. She is home with family and friends and hospice is helping keep her comfortable. Breast cancer spread to her bones and brain.

pink threadsThis special friend lives in my former neighborhood and we met about 5 years ago. She was diagnosed three months before I was in 2012 and we often compared notes about our treatment. I remember a walk we took in 2013, when we were both bald. We didn’t have to talk much, but I remember doing a lot of laughing. It was freezing that day and we understood the real purpose of hair: warmth.

I’m going to miss this friend so much, but will always remember her encouragement. She rallied for 5 months after being told she had one week to live. I believe God was encouraging her to live life until He decided she had one week to live.

I noticed after my diagnosis, God placed women in my life who I needed to know. These women were and still are great gifts to me. They are like pink threads connecting me to the world. My former neighbor was an encouragement even though she was struggling more than me. She connected me to being happy no matter my circumstance in life.

Another special friend, who happens to be my boss, decided to host a “Breast Cancer Awareness Day” at work. She asked me to speak about my experience and how having annual mammograms was vitally important. Subsequently, she went to her annual mammogram and was diagnosed with Stage 2 cancer. What a shock for us all.

My boss connected me to perseverance. Her company was in its infancy and she worked even though it was difficult. I’ve rarely seen anyone as steadfast. Her passion has become her business and she owns a day service for special needs adults. She is planning this year’s “Breast Cancer Awareness Day” for tomorrow and, providentially, that’s my 3rd anniversary of being diagnosed.

The third woman who has made an impact on me is an acquaintance from Lenexa. She holds a full-time job and is councilwoman. This woman has taught me about love. Amidst the rigors of breast cancer treatment such as multiple surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation, this friend has found true love. She is single and decided breast cancer would not interfere with her search for a soul mate. Her vulnerability led her to a warm, charming boyfriend.

These friends, these pink threads that have helped me make my way through cancer, are invaluable. God’s Providence put them in my path and He has tied us together with the color PINK. Thank you, Lord, for your grace and mercy. Thank you for the PINK threads in my life.

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At A Crossroads

Being at a crossroads is a point at which a significant decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences. My mother’s death in 2012 was a true crossroads for me. Being with her as she took her last breath, and seeing what became of her body and soul, left me with many decisions to make. I knew these decisions were serious, but I had no idea how far reaching they would extend.

The first decision I had to make was about my faith. For most of my marriage, I had succumbed to the idea of not practicing the faith I chose. My desire was to maintain peace in my family and my husband chose our faith. I went along with him. My family attended church every weekend, but I was not fulfilled in this plan. I was not growing spiritually. 

The second decision I had to make was about my marriage. I had been married 20 years at the point of my mother’s death. The circumstances of her battle with cancer showed me a side of my husband I had not seen before. There were some red flags I was seeing. In the chaos of life, I had not taken time to examine or work on my marriage. This had to be addressed.

The third decision I had to make was about my own happiness. I was unhappy with my life. On the outside, I had it all, but on the inside, I was empty. The golf-course home we lived in did not fulfill my needs. My two beautiful daughters did not fulfill my needs. My job did not fulfill my needs. What was I going to do to restore happiness to my life? It was up to me.

The earth-shattering experience of seeing my mom breathe her last breath hit me like a sharp slap in the face. Wake up! Do you want to be on “auto pilot” the rest of your time on earth? God was speaking to me in a rough voice and I knew I needed to listen. 

The 7-hour ride home to Kansas after my mother’s buriel was awakening. God’s graces poured out and I knew some serious work was in store for me. I vowed to dig deep, uncover this pain and find out why my life was looking this way. Why was I feeling this way? What was going on in my marriage? 

The next three years were excruciatingly difficult for me as I examined my issues. The end result? I am now a practicing Catholic and in training to become a spiritual mentor. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I am a writer. My two daughters are the joy of my life, but they are not responsible for my happiness.

Jesus Christ has become my focus and He is the source of all my joy. And in the middle of all this change…I was diagnosed with breast cancer and will be celebrating 3 years of being cancer free on October 29, 2015. As for my beautiful home: it was sold and I currently live in a 2-bedroom apartment with my youngest daughter.

Christ called me at a crossroads. I’m forever grateful I answered His call.

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Being A Cheer Mom

I’ll admit, being a Cheer Mom was never on my radar. I loathe those overly zealous moms who live their life vicariously through their daughters. You know those moms…the ones on the television program Cheer Perfection. Those moms who are obsessed with every aspect of their daughter’s life. The moms who gossip about the “other” girls. You know who I’m talking about.

My youngest daughter Julie had spent 9 years in gymnastics and I thought she wanted to be a gymnast in college. Nope. That’s not how it worked. She came home from school one afternoon and very confidentially told me she would no longer be a gymnast. She was going to cheer from that day forward. She had already picked out the cheer gym, she knew their phone number and she asked me to call them…that day!

I took her seriously and made the call to KC Cheer. We set up a time to go in for an interview with the owner and have a tryout session. She made the team. That was 2 years ago. Her team was undefeated this year and they were awarded a fully-paid bid to an event called The Summit.

The Summit (the highest level of U.S. Cheer competition) was held in Orlando, FL. We returned home just 10 days ago. We had a wonderful time, the weather was beautiful and we even had time to visit Walt Disney World. But we were there to compete and win!

My daughter’s team, called FAME, would be the 2nd team to perform on the morning of May 1. There were roughly 26 other teams in their division. But there were thousands of cheerleaders at this event. I could see Julie was obviously stressed. Her team had worked so hard for a year preparing for this one chance to be 1st in the nation in their division.

That morning around 8:30 am, the team enthusiastically ran out from behind the stage to perform their routine. They were pumped and all had smiles on their faces. Ready. Set. Go. The routine was flawless UNTIL the music stopped half-way into the performance. This group of 27 girls did not know how to react. Had someone been injured? The music never just stops. They kept performing until their coach yelled for them to stop.

There had been a technical malfunction with the music. After the equipment was checked out, the girls were told to start over at the beginning. It was too late. Their minds had been interrupted and they were all visibly shaken. Sometimes there is no next time, no second chance. This was their life lesson to be learned the hard way. They did perform; however, they were not focused as well and could not pull it off. When the performance ended, several girls on the team walked off sobbing. 

It was hard for me to watch and see the dismay in everyone’s faces. The team had practiced for a whole year and had made it to the top, but in a single moment, everything changed. It was heartbreaking to see the team and the coaches accept what had happened. This day and this event showed me that being a Cheer Mom is really about helping my daughter learn life’s lessons. Sometimes, we just don’t get a second chance.

In the end, FAME placed 14th in the nation in the large junior division. What an accomplishment to even be invited to The Summit. I think that is the memory that will be with every team member. It’s not that the music messed them up, it’s that they were there!




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Death Surrounds Me

shutterstock_34614568I am surrounded by death. Friends from grade school, high school, church, and even my own back yard have died in these last six months. It seems all I’m talking to Megan and Julie about is death these days. I could attend two funerals this weekend if I could be two places at once…KC and Dallas.

My family is all too aware of the end of life. I never imagined our conversations would be centered around this topic, but the recent suicide of a close friend has forced the subject. The girls and I sit and discuss heaven, death and life. These are heavy subjects for a 17 and 13-year-old, but necessary so they can process their friend’s suicide. Their close friend committed suicide on the night of November 9, 2014.

As we sit and describe our time on earth and how short it is, I have to explain the fact that heaven is our true and final home. Eternity with God in heaven is where we all want to be. We all belong to the Lord and death is that threshold we must cross to get to Him, but it must be on His terms. He gave us life and he shall take it away.

I’m trying to use all these real-life examples to teach my girls the lessons of how we live our daily lives. Each day is a gift from God to be spent wisely. Let’s not waste the time we’ve been given in frivolous arguments, hate or wasteful activities. Smile often. Perhaps I’m a bit too serious, but my own mother’s death in 2012 opened my soul to the reality of these facts. My own diagnosis with cancer in 2012 was also my personal warning…be watchful!

Let us ponder often the reality of life. We are here but a short time on this earth. I don’t know about you, but I want to be in my Father’s House for eternity.

John 14:1-4 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

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Mourning Into Dancing

A wig. A silly wig. That’s all it took to bring me to tears that dreadful day at Doris’ Wig Boutique in Overland Park. 
My cousin Nicki had come to town from Pennsylvania to take me wig shopping. She had flown many miles to be with me as I chose “the wig” I would wear while I was bald from chemo. I had been diagnosed with breast cancer on October 29, 2012. I was counseled to have a wig ready as soon as I began chemo on January 17. Sure enough, two weeks after the first treatment, my hair began to fall out. I went ahead and shaved my head on January 31 to save myself from cleaning up clumps of hair around the house.
Shopping for the wig was aggravating for me. I was bitter and resentful just walking into Doris’ salon. I asked the sales clerk if she had ever lost her hair from cancer. She replied “no” and I mentally threw some daggers at her. How dare she wait on me and anticipate a sale with eagerness. This was a horrible thing I was going through and she did not deserve to earn a commission from my diagnosis of cancer. 
Nicki wanted me to try on several wigs and with each wig, I cried. I sat and looked at myself in the mirror and asked God, “why me?” I think He said, “why not you?” He assured me he would turn my mourning into dancing. Yea, right. I didn’t fall for that trick.
I ended up purchasing a wig that looked like my own hair and hairstyle. I didn’t want anyone to realize it was not my own hair. Funny thing is, today I can spot a wig a mile away. By the end of chemo, I had purchased two more wigs just so I could have different styles. I rationalized that I would need all three wigs to get me by for the 8 or 9 months I had no hair.
As soon as my hair began growing in, the 3 wigs went back into their original boxes. I kept them there until last week. It was Halloween and my employer was going to have a Halloween party. I thought I’d bring in the wigs and see if any of the individuals in the day service would want to wear them.
Sure enough, my three favorite guys with Down Syndrome chose to wear my wigs with their costumes. They beamed with joy and satisfaction as I placed the wigs on their head. Then they danced to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” in their costumes and my chemo wigs. I danced with them and realized the silly wigs I had once despised were now making me laugh and dance. God was right…He could turn my mourning into dancing. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
Psalm 30:11-12
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
 
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Mr. Dawkins, Come to Work With Me

I wish Richard Dawkins could come to work with me for just one day. I work at Willow Tree Supports, Inc. in Shawnee, KS. The address is 23733 W. 83rd Terrace. He is welcome anytime. 


Willow Tree is a day service for adults with disabilities. They offer vocational training for adults with anything ranging from Down Syndrome to MR to autism. Richard needs to come spend some time with these women and men I work with. He says they should have been aborted, but I bet if he comes to work with me, he would change his mind.


Richard Dawkins is an atheist. He is an evolutionary biologist and a writer. He is currently in the news because he tweeted that babies with Down Syndrome should be aborted. He has 1M followers on Twitter so he’s popular; however, he touched a few nerves this week with his comment.

Richard, I get up every morning just to spend my day with adults with Down Syndrome. They are the light of my life. I guess you don’t know that Down Syndrome individuals are some of the most loving people in the world. You obviously haven’t met any of them so I’d like to invite you to come by someday. 


I’d like you to meet the people I know with Down Syndrome. Most of them are male and they are loving, sweet and a joy to be around. Their life expectancy is now up to 60 years of age and they can lead successful lives. Some of them have personalities that are off-the-charts funny. Some of them are shy. They are as unique as all other individuals in this world.


One of the individuals at Willow Tree

Why do you think they should not be allowed to be born? Because they cause suffering? I don’t want to judge you, but I’ve had lots of suffering in my life and none of it was caused by a Down Syndrome child. I’ll say that just the opposite has been the case. I have received more joy from being around adults with Down Syndrome because they have a sense of humor, they don’t take themselves too seriously and they are kind. That’s more than I can say for you, Richard.

Come on by and spend the day with us. One of the men will gladly cook you a hamburger, wash your dishes and then send you home with a homemade gift from the wood working studio. You’ll have a great day and you might even change your mind about having a world that is free from Down Syndrome.

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While I’m Waiting

John Waller, a Christian musician, has produced a beautiful song entitled “While I’m Waiting”. We all have times in our lives when it seems we’re doing nothing but waiting. It could be that we’re waiting on finding the right spouse, waiting to get pregnant, waiting for a new job, or waiting for anything. And waiting is HARD! It requires patience, self control and prayer. 


I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

As I write this post, my daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday! Today, I reminisce about 17 years ago that Todd and I adopted Megan. I had waited so long to be a mom. I waited and watched as every other woman in the world became pregnant (or so I thought). We experienced many years of infertility, going to doctors, and all that is involved with that process. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. My step in obedience was adoption. I knew God wanted me to adopt instead of trying infertility treatments.


And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience


I was reminded of those gut-wrenching feelings of waiting this weekend. My youngest brother’s friends texted that they were in Virginia waiting to adopt a baby girl. They live in Arkansas and had made the trip to Virginia to wait. They asked for prayers to sustain them in their wait. They asked for prayers that the birth mother would not change her mind. They are still waiting as I write. 


My heart sank because I remember those exact feelings 17 years ago. Megan’s birth mother wanted to spend 7 days with her before she allowed Todd and I to adopt her.  The fears I had of her changing her mind paralyzed me. I knew God was in control, but waiting those 7 days drove me crazy. I remember attending church that Sunday at McKinney Memorial Bible Church in Fort Worth with my mother-in-law. I had to excuse myself from the service because the tears I shed turned into sobbing. 


While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait


I ran the race of adoption while others carried me through with their prayers. It was a hard, painful race, but in the end God was faithful. I am celebrating 17 years of God’s Providence today. In a flash, Megan has grown up before my eyes and she has challenged me in every way possible! I love her dearly, but I am now waiting on her to go to college! 


Happy Birthday to my sweet Megan!

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Jonah

What if God asked you to deliver a message to your enemy? Would you obey? What if that message was a message of God’s forgiveness to someone who had harmed you? 


Jonah, a man who received God’s word, was given such a message. He, however, fled his assignment and did not obey God. Instead of doing what God asked, he traveled the opposite direction and tried to ignore the command. I do this when I refuse to forgive those who have hurt me or I stay angry at my circumstances in life. 


Jonah jumped on a ship and traveled in the opposite direction of where he was told to go. He didn’t get far before God got his attention with a big storm. Jonah landed in the water and was swallowed by a great fish. God got Jonah’s attention. God gets my attention with the trials in my life.


How many times has God asked you to forgive someone and you’ve not obeyed? He talks to us in His Word when he says, “love thy neighbor.” He talks to us through the Lord’s Prayer when we say, “forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” 


God’s message is always one of love and mercy. He is forever forgiving us and He asks us to forgive others. Jonah did not want to relay this message to the people he hated. So God had him sit in the belly of a fish for three days. Distress set in. He began to pray and God heard him. He was released from the fish.


Jonah finally submits to God’s request and heads toward the city of his enemies. He tells the people if they don’t repent God will destroy their city. Jonah knew God was gracious and kind, but he did not want that kindness extended to those he hated. He became extremely mad at God. 


Doesn’t this all sound too familiar? We get mad at people who hurt us. We hold a grudge. We just don’t want to release our anger so we tell God “NO”. And what happens to us? We let that anger eat us up inside. We hold on to our anger as a way to tell God we are mad at him. Why should we forgive the one who has hurt us? Why should we forgive God when he lets people die that we love? 


I spent time being mad at God for allowing my mother to have colon cancer. I spent time being mad at God for allowing me to have breast cancer. I spent time being mad at God for allowing my marriage to fail. Really, I could spend the rest of my life being mad at God. But where would that lead me? I choose to forgive. I choose to obey. I choose to have faith that all these things are under God’s control and he will take care of me. This obedience brings me to peace.


The story of Jonah is being told in a production in Branson at the Sight and Sound Theatre. I went with my family to see the play on Saturday. It captivated the attention of my two nephews, ages 6 and 8, as well as my own two daughters, ages 13 and 16. It captivated me. The story of Jonah is both ironic and humorous. The format of a play was helpful to get several points across to me; namely, obedience to God. 

Sound & Light Theater
Branson